I readily admit that I am not an intellectual giant (and I’m
sure I can find plenty of people who would be quick to step forward and testify
on my behalf on this). I have tried to
read C.S. Lewis on several occasions and after a paragraph or two, I would have
to pause and say to myself, “wait, what did he just say?” and feel the need to
break it down one word at a time. And with
that much mental overexertion, I would quickly lay aside the book.
However, after the death of my son, Jacob, there have been times when I had
an insatiable need to read in order to find some sense in the pain experienced
in the loss of a loved one and to find answers to questions such as:
Why did God allow this to happen?
Where was God in all of this?
Why were my prayers unanswered? As well as the prayers of
many others on his behalf?
How can this be part of God’s plan?
Does prayer really accomplish anything?
I tried to read many good books that helped me cope with
these questions but doubts still remained.
Being a minister actually made things worse because I had spent my
career teaching and telling people to ‘have faith’; that ‘God is in control’;
to’just pray about it’; and on and on my words of ‘comfort and counsel’ had
gone. But now, I was the one that was
feeling empty and those ‘comforting words’ were only hand full of thorns that had
caused additional pain.
That is until I read C.S Lewis’ “A Grief Observed” … and
came across this quote:
But go to Him when your need is
desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in
your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that,
silence. You may as well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the
silence will become. There are no lights in the windows. It might be an empty house.
Was it ever inhabited? It seemed so once. And that seeming was as strong as
this. What can this mean? Why is He so present a commander in our time of
prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?
Wow, he described that same deafening silence I was hearing
from God!
As I continued reading on this subject I began to find other
people who are well known and well thought of in spiritual circles who
described their times of ‘spiritual darkness’ or ‘spiritual dryness’. And as a result, I quit persecuting myself
and came to realize that this is only a part (though a very painful part) of
the spiritual maturation process.
I have found myself on a part of the spiritual path I was
never aware of before the death of Jacob and one I was not prepared to journey,
no, not one iota.
For a period of time I felt I had been abandoned. Lewis’ description of the doorway was all too
real to me. But now I’m realizing, in
the midst of the silence, a very different type of closeness to God - one
that is difficult to describe.
In recent years, my mantra has become “expect nothing and
you won’t be disappointed”. As cynical
and skeptical as that sounds it has really helped me to cope with a lot of
things. And in a really strange way, it has simplified and deepened my faith
and relationship with God.
Let me explain before you say (if you haven’t already been
saying it), “Poor, poor, Richard. He has
really slipped down the steps and gone off the deep end.”
In expecting nothing, it has caused a shift of focus from
the gifts desired and now onto gratitude for the giver. Before, prayer and my entire relationship with
God hinged on what I hoped to receive out of it. I always came with great
expectations. And those expectations
would sometimes end with disappointment.
Now I come with no expectations. I only strive to be aware
of His presence. I have slowly come to
appreciate the small things that come my way now. I have lowered my expectations of great
things and big answers. Now whatever
good comes my way, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, I try to
celebrate on the gift given and, to a greater extent, the giver giving it.
I now find joy and express thanksgiving in things like:
- a car starting (and stopping)
- the wag of a dog’s tail
- the quietness of early morning
- a night sky full of stars
- the sound of rain
- sunrises and sunsets
- the wonder of hummingbirds
- the comfort of the company of friends
- another day with loved ones
- a comfortable home on a cold, rainy night
- knowledge that my children are well for the moment (and
that Jacob is well forever)
- the silent, loving presence of my wife
- acknowledging the worth of a person with a smile and
cheerful word
- hearing from a childhood friend through Facebook
- walks in the woods
- watching squirrels quibble over a piece of birdseed
- the babbling of our backyard brook
And yes, even in a death of a loved one. Though, I must say,
this one brings no joy and, often, very little verbal thanksgiving. It does result in a quiet sense of His
comforting presence.
I could go on listing things and, I hope, you could too.
All of these ‘insignificant’ encounters assure me that God
is present. He has not forsaken me. This list of things is evidence of his love
and concern for me. Though I may repel
from His love at times, though I may even question His love at times … these
items are often used to remind me that He is there.
I’m sure you are thinking that this is the strangest tribute
to Thanksgiving you’ve ever read. But I
can say that I am thankful for the silence of God in my life. For as devastating as it has been, it has
also opened up a new dimension of God and his presence in my life. Happy Thanksgiving to all!!!
THINGS YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN ….
FOR CHURCH LEADERS: 8 Local Church Ministry Trends to Consider by Philip Nation - http://buff.ly/
FOR
TRAINING LEADERSHIP: Ministry Pathways by Ministry Grid; Simplified plans for training ministry leaders
throughout your church. http://buff.ly/1jZJIW5
FOR
HELP IN WRITING YOUR OWN BIBLE STUDIES: Smallgroup.com offers Bible studies for every book in the Bible and
over 200 topics. Now video supported
studies are available! - http://home.smallgroup.com/
FOR SMALL GROUP MINISTRY: Using Your
Cell Phone to Lead by Rick Howerton -
http://www.lifeway.com/groupministry/2015/10/12/using-your-cell-phone-to-lead/
FOR DISCIPLESHIP: Secret Church 16; A Global Gospel in a World of Religions Simulcast by
David Platt, April 29, 2016 - http://www.radical.net/secret-church/simulcast
FOR DISCIPLESHIP: DevoHub, a new way of delivering a daily devotional to your church and community
- http://devohub.com/
FOR DISCIPLESHIP: Disciples Path, a plan for developing disciples - http://www.lifeway.com/n/Product-Family/Disciples-Path
FOR MEN’S MINISTRY: Johnny Hunt’s Men’s
Conference simulcast, February 5-6,
2016 - http://www.lifeway.com/n/product-family/johnny-hunt-men's-conference?type=events&intcmp=MensEvents-MTX-Text-JHuntSimulcast-20150903
FOR COLLEGE MINISTRY: Some Things to
Know about College Ministry by Steve
Parr – http://buff.ly/1MBHVn5
FOR YOUTH LEADERS: Disciples Path for
students – a new series for
developing your students discipleship - http://www.lifeway.com/Disciples-Path/Youth/c/N-1z0znzeZ1z141ym?intcmp=DisciplesPath-MTX-Text-Students-20150625
FOR YOUTH LEADERS: International Mission
Trips for students - http://accessthenations.com/
FOR YOUTH LEADERS: LifeWay Girls
Conference, February 19 & 20,
2016 - http://www.lifeway.com/n/Product-Family/LifeWay-Girls-Conference?type=events&EMID=jk-newslettergcon-092415
FOR KIDS MINISTRY: When are Kids Ready
to Hear Jesus Died on the Cross? Podcast - http://www.lifeway.com/kidsministry/2015/08/19/podcast-episode-2-when-are-kids-old-enough-to-hear-that-jesus-died-on-a-cross/
FOR KIDS MINISTRY: I’m a Christian Now resources, newly revised! - http://www.lifeway.com/n/Product-Family/I'm-a-Christian-Now
