The Silence of God

Karen and I with Jacob on Easter 2009

I rarely use this forum to share glimpses from my personal life. I try to 'keep it professional.' Many of you may not know that my wife, Karen, and I lost our son, Jacob, nine years ago this June 14. If you are interested in how that tragedy has changed us you are invited to view our blog, Embracing Grief, at http://embracinggrief.blogspot.com/.  But let me warn you, sometimes we get pretty transparent, raw, and messy with our journey.

In light of this upcoming anniversary, I wanted to share one of my entries and insights.

I readily admit that I am not an intellectual giant (and I’m sure I can find plenty of people who would be quick to step forward and testify on my behalf on this).  I have tried to read C.S. Lewis on several occasions and after a paragraph or two, I would have to pause and say to myself, “wait, what did he just say?” and felt the need to break it down one word at a time.  And with that much mental overexertion, I would quickly lay aside the book.

However, since I have experienced the death of my son, Jacob, there have been times when I have had an insatiable need to read in order to find some sense in the pain experienced in the loss of a loved one and to find answers to questions such as:

Why did God allow this to happen?

Where was God in all of this?

Why were my prayers unanswered, as well as the prayers of many others on his behalf?

How can this be part of God’s plan?

Does prayer really accomplish anything?

I have read many good books that have   Being a minister actually made things worse because I had spent my career teaching and telling people to ‘have faith’; that ‘God is in control’; to ‘just pray about it’; and on and on my words of ‘comfort and counsel’ had gone.  But now, I was the one that was feeling empty and those ‘comforting words’ were only hands full of thorns that had caused additional pain.

helped me cope with these questions but doubts still remained.

That is until I read C.S Lewis’ “A Grief Observed” … and came across this quote:

 But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become. There are no lights in the windows. It might be an empty house. Was it ever inhabited? It seemed so once. And that seeming was as strong as this. What can this mean? Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?

Wow, he described that same deafening silence I was hearing from God!

As I continued reading on this subject I began to find other people who are well known and well thought of in spiritual circles who described their times of ‘spiritual darkness’ or ‘spiritual dryness’.  And as a result, I quit persecuting myself and came to realize that this is only a part (though a very painful part) of the spiritual maturation process.

I have found myself on a part of the spiritual path I was never aware of before the death of Jacob and one I was not prepared to journey … no, not one iota.

For a period of time I felt I had been abandoned.  Lewis’ description of the doorway was all too real to me.  But now I’m realizing, in the midst of the silence, a very different type of closeness to God - one that is difficult to describe.

In recent years, my mantra has become “expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed”.  As cynical and skeptical as that sounds it has really helped me to cope with a lot of things. And in a really strange way, it has simplified and deepened my faith and relationship with God.

Let me explain before you say (if you haven’t already been saying it), “Poor, poor, Richard.  He has really slipped down the steps and gone off the deep end.”

In expecting nothing, it has caused a shift of focus from the gifts desired and now onto gratitude for the giver.  Before, prayer and my entire relationship with God hinged on what I hoped to receive out of it. I always came with great expectations.  And those expectations would sometimes end with disappointment.

Now I come with no expectations. I only strive to be aware of His presence.  I have slowly come to appreciate the small things that come my way now.  I have lowered my expectations of great things and big answers.  Now whatever good comes my way, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, I try to celebrate on the gift given and, to a greater extent, the giver giving it.

I now find joy and express thanksgiving in things like:

- a car starting (and stopping)

- the wag of a dog’s tail

- the quietness of early morning

- a night sky full of stars

- the sound of rain

- sunrises and sunsets

- the wonder of hummingbirds

- the comfort experienced in the company of friends

- another day with loved ones

- a comfortable home on a cold, rainy night

- knowledge that my children are well for the moment (and that Jacob is well forever)

- the loving presence of my wife

- acknowledging the worth of a person with a smile and cheerful word

- hearing from a childhood friend through Facebook

- walks in the woods

- watching squirrels quibble over a piece of birdseed

- the babbling of our backyard brook

And yes, even in a death of a loved one. Though, I must say, this one brings no joy and, often, very little verbal thanksgiving.  It does result in a quiet sense of His comforting presence.

I could go on listing things and, I hope, you could too.

All of these ‘insignificant’ encounters assure me that God is present.  He has not forsaken me.  This list of things is evidence of his love and concern for me.  Though I may repel from His love at times, though I may even question His love at times … these items are often used to remind me that He is there and always will be.

THINGS YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN ….

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FOR WOMEN’S MINISTRY: Just Open the Door by Jen Schmidt - https://www.lifeway.com/en/product/just-open-the-door-leader-kit-P005799558

FOR MEN’S MINISTRY: Act Like Men by James McDonald - https://buff.ly/2sUeHwr

FOR MEN’S MINISTRY: Kingdom Disciples by Tony Evans - https://buff.ly/2GlN9SW

FOR MEN’S MINISTRY: The Main Event, Nashville, TN, August 10-11, 2018 - http://www.lifeway.com/Event/mens-event-the-main-event-2018-hendersonville-tn

FOR STUDENT MINISTRY: Gospel Foundations; a one year chronological study of the Bible - https://www.lifeway.com/en/product/gospel-foundations-volume-1-bible-study-book-P005803632

FOR STUDENT MINISTRY: How to Develop a Guys Ministry - https://buff.ly/2orI3h0

FOR STUDENT MINISTRY: Seven Arrows: A 52 Week Devotional for Teens by Matt & Sarah Rogers - http://www.lifeway.com/Product/seven-arrows-P005799056

FOR FAMILY MINISTRY: ETCH Conference - https://buff.ly/2EpxcKw

FOR KIDS MINISTRY: Levels of Biblical Learning from birth to preteens - https://www.lifeway.com/en/special-emphasis/levels-of-biblical-learning?intcmp=SRDR-biblical-levels-of-learning

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